At the reception desk
- Bow and quietly say "Konotabi wa goshusho-sama desu" (my condolences)
- Take the koden envelope out of the fukusa, turn it so the inscription faces the receptionist, and offer it with both hands
- Sign the condolence book with your address and name
- Receive the return gift or thank-you card, bow, and proceed to the hall
Prepare the envelope beforehand with the Koden Envelope & Amount Guide.
The incense offering, step by step (standing style)
- When your turn comes, nod lightly to the next person and step toward the incense stand
- Bow to the bereaved family, then bow (or join hands) toward the portrait
- Take a pinch of powdered incense with your right thumb, index and middle fingers
- Depending on the school, raise it to your forehead (oshi-itadaku) - or not - then drop it quietly into the burner
- Join hands toward the portrait, step back, bow, bow once more to the family and return to your seat
With many attendees, the hall may announce "one offering only" - the announcement overrides school custom.
How many times? A guide by Buddhist school
| School | Count and gesture |
|---|---|
| Shingon | 3 times (raised to the forehead) |
| Jodo Shinshu, Hongwanji branch | 1 time (not raised) |
| Shinshu Otani branch | 2 times (not raised) |
| Soto Zen | 2 times (first raised, second not) |
| Rinzai Zen | 1 time |
| Nichiren | 1 or 3 times |
| Jodo / Tendai | 1-3 times (no fixed rule) |
If you do not know the family's school, your own school's custom - or one heartfelt offering - is considered perfectly acceptable. Following the person ahead of you also works.
Shinto and Christian services
- Shinto (tamagushi hoten): receive the sakaki branch, rotate it clockwise so the stem faces the altar, and place it. The bow sequence is two bows, two claps, one bow - with silent claps (shinobi-te)
- Christian (kenka, flower offering): receive the flower, rotate it so the bloom faces you and the stem faces the altar, place it on the stand, then offer a silent prayer or bow
Condolence phrases
Keep it brief: "Konotabi wa goshusho-sama de gozaimasu" or "Kokoro yori o-kuyami moushiagemasu." Do not linger, and never ask about the cause of death.
"Go-meifuku wo o-inori shimasu" is a Buddhist phrase - not used at Shinto or Christian services, and avoided in Jodo Shinshu too. See the Taboo Word Checker guide for details. Find prayer beads
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Frequently asked questions
How many times should I offer incense?
It varies from one to three times by school. If you do not know the family's school, your own custom or one heartfelt offering is acceptable. If the hall announces 'one time only', follow the announcement.
What does 'oshi-itadaku' mean?
Raising the pinch of incense to forehead height before dropping it in the burner. Shingon raises it; Jodo Shinshu does not.
What should I say to the family?
'Konotabi wa goshusho-sama de gozaimasu' or 'Kokoro yori o-kuyami moushiagemasu', quietly and briefly. Never ask about the cause of death.
Can I say 'go-meifuku wo o-inori shimasu' to anyone?
It is a Buddhist phrase - not used at Shinto or Christian services, and politely avoided in Jodo Shinshu. When unsure, 'kokoro yori o-kuyami moushiagemasu' is safe.
What is shinobi-te at Shinto funerals?
Clapping without sound. Shinto funerals use the two-bows-two-claps-one-bow sequence, but the claps are silent.
Should I attend the wake or the funeral?
Either one is fine for general attendees. If daytime attendance is difficult, the evening wake is usual. Give koden at only one of the two.
